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Monday, February 20, 2012

Agony of My Soul




A void,
There is in my Heart
A chasm;
An abyss,
Is what I have fallen in.
Once strength
A virtue of mine,
Now vulnerable I find myself.
Though surrounded by lovers;
Chained by solitude
I am.
Always expecting me to be convivial
Yes that I am.
A fa├žade of beatitude,
I always wear,
To ensconce those scars
That I bear.
Fresh wounds,
Blood spewing out of them;
Emotions I have all drained out.
A carcass of my conscience
Is what all is left,
Yet of malevolence
I am bereft.
I am waiting to find my way out
Of this black hole,
To reborn,
To rejuvenate,
After the crucifixion of
Agony of my soul.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Resolution Solution... ehh??




Year: 2009
From now on I am going to concentrate more on my studies and work hard.

Year: 2010
I am going to be more cautious and wont get injured or fall sick. Would take up kick boxing for sharper reflexes.

Year: 2011
NO MORE RESOLUTIONS!!!!

Except for the latter, I very brazenly to my comfort chose to overlook the former two. Reason was procrastination … “Kal karunga aaj man nahi”; “Kal se pakka”; these were some of the common excuses that I made in order to save myself from that inner guilt which happened to come but very rarely. Don’t get me wrong over here because for a fact I know that I am not the only one who does this. You, yes I am talking to You my friend. You have done it and I am sure you are going to repeat the same thing this year too.
All those intellectual people who figured out why ‘Why This Kolaveri D’, is a huge rage (seriously I have had enough of this irritating song, like a leach it is sucking my blood. Every community out there has its own version of the song; Gujrati, Punjabi, Bhojpuri, Marathi there are like zillions of versions. We even have a Chipmunk version and a toddler version sung by Sonu Nigam’s son.) can help me out in understanding the concept of making resolutions every year, when we know that we are complacent sloths who won’t do anything to rectify that one draw back that we suffer from, for which we actually made the resolution. Whom are we trying to fool? Its like I am playing cricket and suddenly I break the window of pados ke Ahuja ji (as my mom likes to refer to our neighbor) and then I try to persuade him to give my ball back by saying “Uncle ji god promise next time se nai hoga… main aajse pakka sirf chauke maarunga” knowing that I am not going to keep my promise. Seriously you can’t resist yourself from playing that terrific pull shot when the ball bounces high, I am sure my fellow cricket buffs are going to agree with me. Nonetheless, the point that I am trying to make over here is that, why make a resolution when you can’t follow it?
The most amusing thing about resolutions that I find is the chain of zillions of resolutions that it leads to. It’s like you are incarcerated by the whole vicious resolution cycle to satisfy your subconscious mind which keeps pestering you to straighten that one thing which has been gnawing you throughout your life.
This reminds me of an incident- Back in 2008 I use to weigh around 77-78 kgs, I resembled John Travolta of 2011, when I was 18. Trust me not a pleasant site it was, though the site is still not pleasant; anyway at the beginning of that year, continuing with my normal practice I made a resolution that I am going to lose weight and get some Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sort of muscles on my frame. I was elated; I felt that the time was right for me to undergo the metamorphosis and break that chrysalis. I dreamt of playing David Hasseloff in those Baywatch scenes with Pamela Anderson running besides me, I am taking that red t-shirt off my brawny frame, and all the chicks around me gasping in ooohhss!! And aaahhsss!!
*The eye of the tiger* was my early morning 5:30 alarm; like a tsunami it hit the sets of Baywatch and took the enormous Anderson twins far away from me. It was me, my duvet and that cushy feeling which made me snooze my mobile alarm to another 15 minutes. “Only 15mins, after that I have to get up for running, today is my day” I thought to myself while slipping back to that overwhelming dream. It was 10:30am that day when I finally woke up. I felt like a grumpy 80 year old spinster, feeling disappointed. But I didn’t blame myself, instead I blamed the stupid weather, obviously who is going to get up at 5:30am in the chilly winter morning and go for a jog? I wont (I didn’t), so that very same day I made another resolution. “From now on I will get up at 7’o clock in the morning and go for a jog, FOR SURE” I promised myself and I actually did shout those last two words in my mind. Well rest, I guess you don’t need to guess. So here I was, heavy as Dirty Pictures’ Vidya Balan, with my side tyres oozing out like hers; making new and innovative resolutions everyday. Finally I gave up, not because I was tired of making promises to myself but because of that conceited feeling of being perfect I devoured myself in. By the end of that year I expanded and gained 4 extra kgs. (Fortunately in the pursuit of getting some opposite sex’s attention I somehow managed to lose 18 kgs in the following year. I had to write this, didn’t want you all to picturize me dancing on OOHH LA LA OOHH LA LA)

There is a concept called “employee motivation” in business studies. It has certain pointers through which an employee can be motivated in order to achieve effective and efficient results. One of the parts of that concept states that “In order to motivate employees, a manager should fix challenging yet achievable targets” (yes bitches I do pay attention in class). In my case or rather in our case, we make targets which are achievable but are OMG CHALLENGING (making me write a Blog is ‘Challenging’ but making me write a Good Blog is ‘OMG CHALLENGING’)

Why do we need a date or a day to decide on when we should start mending those lose nuts and bolts of our lives? “Jab jago tabhi savera”; the day you put your foot down and start working on those nuts and bolts, I am sure you’ll be able to untie those knots of your messed up life. Yes you don’t need a new year’s resolution because you are perfect but you need a daily resolution, a target to achieve; to motivate yourself to uphold that perfection.
True Story!!!

That reminds me I have to fix my ‘Windowpane’.

Ps: Happy New Year :)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Year: 2012
I will improve and write some really good posts for my blog.

Friday, December 23, 2011

"Bandh Gaya Patta Ji Bandh Gaya Patta"


*beep beep*
I picked up my cell and opened the message
“Hey good morning,
Hope you had a nice sleep.”

That was my girlfriend’s text message early in the morning at 8:30am. I felt so good, like top of the world. She is so concerned about me; I am lucky to have her.

BUT!!! Wait!!

What’s the catch here?
She never texted me like this early in the morning, in fact it  used to be me who always texted her saying “Hey Good morning” (well all you studs out there thinking what a wimp I am, let me show you the mirror. You jack asses also do the same thing, you act all cool in front of your brothers but by the end of the day you are a moron in love, so shut up!!!)
This was an early morning mystery which needed to be solved. I was confused in deciding was that a simple lovable sweet question or a rhetoric one, trying to make me feel guilty of something that I might have done and now I don’t happen to remember it.

I immediately went through all the text messages that were being exchanged between us last night, and I realized the depth of the shit that I was in. If you are sane enough and can figure out the mess then try it from the following conversation between me and my girlfriend on text:

Me: Hey you were looking good today.
She: You didn’t notice my new nose pin.
Me: Yeah it was really nice.
She: Nice. That’s it. What about my new hair do, I am sure you must have not noticed it... Right?
She: Why aren’t you replying?
She: Have You Slept ?
She: OK. FINE. GOODNIGHT.


Now there are some important points that should be noted here, which are:
a)    When your girlfriend puts “.” (full stop) after each word or after a line, then it doesn’t mean that they are good with punctuation it is clearly an indication that that message is merely not a message but a statement made by them and you are up for a trouble, and if the text is in “CAPSLOCK”… wohh!! Brother you are a dead meat.
b)   Never and I’ll repeat again ,Never ever sleep before your girlfriend does, that really pisses them off. And specially when they are awaiting a reply
c)    Do always check your cell phone first thing in the morning even before you go and drop bombs in your shit pond. Because you have to know how wicked is your day going to be.

That day I was able to pacify her (I won’t tell you how). That incident really made me brood over the plight of all the guys who are in a relationship.

Girls might think of me as a male chauvinist and guys might empathize with me after reading this post. I don’t care for anybody’s reaction. I am just putting forward some issues that we guys deal with everyday. To put it in a more simple Delhite language, “HUMARI BAJI PADI HAI BOSS!!!”

So to begin with…holla my fellow heterogametic mates, how have you been?
Been chilling out all this while, people think how happy you are; you got a nice girlfriend who is very caring and sweet. Loves you a lot and you guys are definitely very happy.
SORRY!!
Well to those people who presume all of this let me tell you that the grass is greener on the other side. And in this case you guys are F@#$%^G seeing an Eden Garden!!
There is nothing to be happy about in a relationship. Yes love is there, BUT, like a rose it has its own thorns. FEMALE TANTRUMS, that’s the term, that sucks the life out of every single (pun intended) male out there. Its like whatever we guys do is a huge travesty for the fairer sex but when they are in the same situation and they end up doing the same thing. Its all justified for them. We aren’t allowed to raise any objection to it.
Take an example:

Someday (I don’t remember)

She: I got these new pair of shoes; they are awesome, am in love with them.
Me: hmmm…nice.
She: They really do go well with that black dress.
Me: Oh great… hmmm.
She: Baby are you busy?
Me: No No are you mad.
She: You sound like.
Me: Nah am fine, am not busy.
She: If you are then its okay, we can talk later.
Me: Ummm…okay…I was actually working on a project…I’ll call you in a while.
She: SEE. OKAY FINE!!!
(she hung up)
Me: Hello..hello …helllllllllooooo…

(long pause)

*beep beep*
(text message opened)

She: If you don’t want to talk to me then you better tell me…I won't bore you from next time. BYE.TAKE CARE.

Some Other Day (Am still blank)

She: hmmm…so how was your day?
Me: It was fun… danced after a very long time.
She: hmmm
Me: How was yours?
She: I’ll call you in a while ..am removing my nail polish.
(AND she hung up)
Me: Hello…hello…helllooooooo….

(a very long pause)

*nothing…no text..and no call*

So do you see the difference, two same situations but two different reactions. Yes we are F@#$%D Up!!
Why always it is us who are blamed for being a stubborn brute, for being egoistic?  Why do we always end up being the “Mogambo” of our own love story? We are being blamed for everything even if we don’t have any role in it. At the end of the day, we are made to realize that it is us who is acting childish and not working hard to make a relationship work.

Events like these whenever happen with me lead to a song that starts playing in my head “Bandh Gaya Patta Ji Bandh Gaya Patta”
No seriously it does, there is a leash around our neck 24/7. We have to play by the rules laid out by our girlfriends or else no desserts.

There is also an ace up their sleeves and they like to call it “TIME”. Yes, that’s the word. They use it every time we have a fight with them. If they come to a point where there is nothing left to be argued on. This is their “Brahmastra”.
“You don’t have time for me”.

I happen to recall an incident with me (don’t ask me the day or date… cause I don’t remember)

An important family function was around the corner which obviously would have made me very busy. So just to make my dear girlfriend not feel bad, I thought I should at least spend some time with her every day one week prior to that function. I actually spent that whole week meeting her, making her feel special. She was happy and I was obviously happy seeing that smile on her face.
Now comes the part where I scream “RUN”.
I was caught up in that function after few days and was trying very hard to atleast reply to her messages. In the end she got pissed. You’ll make out the absurdity by the ensuing conversation:

Me: Yaar I am sorry.
She: You always do this.
Me: But…
She: You are taking me for granted now.
Me: Listen…
She: You don’t have TIME for me at all.
Me: Please Li…
She: You never call and You never meet me.
Me:…..
She: When was the last time you actually met me properly?
Me: BUT I met yo…
She: Bye. I must be wasting your time.

*Do I even need to say this…hell I will

(YES she hung up again)
Me; Hello…baby..helloooooooooo…

“Bandh Gaya Patta Ji Bandh Gaya Patta”

It is true that we go through a lot of tantrums. Maybe that’s why they say it’s really difficult to understand or even decode women. Had Einstein or Newton decoded women of this world I would have had much more respect for them.

But having said all of this I would like to add that it is these trivial misunderstandings that give us an opportunity to prove them how much they mean to us. They must have seen something that makes them love us. And we do to (stop acting macho), and yes we do sometimes act as jerks … oh c’mon! We all know that what kind of assholes we are. “Taali ek haath se nayi bajti” we are at fault too. But its not about whose fault it is or was, it is about how much are we ready to bend for that one person we love.

…………………………………………………………………............

She: I READ YOUR BLOG.
Me: Oh really… how did you find it?
She: PATHETIC.
Me: Why are you mad?
She: If am such a pain to you then you should’ve told me instead of going out there and making fun out of our relationship.
Me: Yaar you know all that stuff wasn’t real… it was all made up…just to add humor.
She: GO TO HELL
Me: I am Sorry.
She: @#$%%^&*

(SHE HUNG UP)


DAMN! I included that last para to save my ass...sigh!

“BANDH GAYA PATTA JI BANDH GAYA PATTA”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Windowpane




It has been almost three months since my last post on this blog. I vanished after that, well one can actually think what kept this sloth so busy? My answer to this would be a usual reply that a CBS student gives: exams, work, finding work (placements) and some random stuff of my life. It has been a roller-coaster ride these past few months. Real testing times were there but I kept my nerve and dealt with it.
So here I am again, trying to figure out what I am going to jot down in this post today. After all it is something which I love doing that is to write. But every now and then I do get that blank feeling, the feeling which at times makes me think, makes me contemplate that whether I should be continuing with this blog or not, to which I never get a definite answer. Yes it is true I do love writing but when I see blogs of my peers who are into writing, I find myself as a small dot on a massive blank sheet. I am nothing as compared to those wordsmiths. Don’t get me wrong, am not being a pessimist or someone who likes to wallow in self pity. It is just the reality that I always realize whenever I happen to read an incredible blog. I find myself in a turmoil deciding whether I am deceiving my self by thinking that I can write well.
A prolific writer is one who has that flow in his writing and maintains it throughout. Who can write anything anywhere at a drop of a hat. That’s not the case with me, I can’t judge myself on the flow aspect of writing and I don’t know of someone who can be critical about it. And when it comes of deciding what I should be writing about, it takes a great deal of effort for me to ruminate about a subject. Not only deciding about the topic is a hefty task for me but also deciding what the mood of my writing is going to be like, which always daunts me to continue further with this hobby. Should it be light or should it be gloomy? These are some of the questions that keep revolving inside my head every time I think of writing a post for this blog.
But having said all of this, I would like to add that ‘writing’ is something that gives me that freedom of expressing my innate feelings. It gives me an exhilarating sense of individualism which I have craved for throughout my life. Yes nobody is perfect, and so am I. I get myself out of all those inhibitions that I have, those walls that knowingly or unknowingly I build in my mind clogging all my thoughts; by assuring myself that I will get better with each post. All I need to do is to be honest in what I write and keep penning those thoughts down.
My blog’s name is “Windowpane”, it has a significance in my mind. It actually reflects of what I try to do through my posts. It is me looking at this world from outside. It is my take, my opinion about life; which I, which you, which everybody lives everyday. Sometimes in form of short stories, articles, poems; I have my way of looking at this world. They can be melancholic in their theme or exultant but above that they are what I feel and what I am. And hopefully one day I will be somewhat close to perfection in this art of writing.
I am not trying to preach anything through these posts; I am just trying to view this world from my “Windowpane”.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Epic Battle



I could see it in front of me, the caped crusader, shiny black armor, weapons which were never seen before; they were attached to that messiah’s body. It was an unforgettable scene that still plays in front of my eyes like a repetitive shot in the saas-bahu sagas.  It was a rare Batman toy that was now a cynosure of my eye, never had i seen it before. I was yearning for it from the moment my eyes were locked on it.

Kya dekh raha hai be?

SNAP!!!!

I felt like someone just pulled me out from my awesome dream. That voice was akin to the irksome sound made by screeching nails on the blackboard (trust me i have done that after watching Jim Carry do it in The Mask and it was very irritating). I saw a 4ft Chinese/Japanese/Assamese or what ever cheese guy standing in front of me; with a stern look on his face, clutching that marvelous toy; as if i was about to steal it from him. I could have done it, had there been no one around. I said nothing and leaned back on the chair on which i was sitting for past half-n-hour feeling annoyed and grumpy. I was sitting in a hospital that day waiting for my mom; she was getting an ultra sound done.

I was fuming in anger and was feeling embarrassed due to that irritating whiny pest. I felt like getting up and whooping his ass. Suddenly the whole atmosphere changed. The hospital corridors transformed into a barren land, I saw that Chinapamese (this is what you get when you have a Japanese mother mating with Chinese father who has as an Assamese granddad…yeah its complicated) kid changing into a cowboy.

“They say if you want to lay your hands on something precious, then you gotta earn it, boy”, said that arrogant kid spitting on the ground, waving that precious toy at me.

We looked at each other in disgust, our eyes locked, and our hands on our pistol. We were ready to settle this man to man. “Today is the day for this epic battle, either am gonna have it or rather die for it. There is no turning back now”, i thought to myself. *background music…teennnnyuhuhunhunnnn teeeen teeenn teeeeenn… teennnnyuhuhunhunnnn teeeen teeenn teeeeenn…*

We were waiting for the clock to struck 12. As soon as we’ll hear the final stroke, we’ll take out our guns and shoot at each other. The person, who proves to be the fastest amongst us, is going to survive this duel. I took out a Marlboro, and lit it. I puffed, while looking back at the clock. Few seconds were left. I took my stance and focused on the sound of the clock and so did he. I was full of anger but the time required me to maintain my focus. I could feel the sweat trickling behind my ears; the place was so isolated and discreet that i could literally hear my heart beats. *Dhak Dhak! Dhak Dhak! Dhak Dhak!*

*TONNNNN!!!!*
BANG! BANG! BANG!

No one moved an inch, there was silence. I saw him standing in front of me. With that ugly grin he said “There ain’t no bullet that can take me down”, and THUMP!!! He fell on the ground.

“But today you faced me” i said while blowing the nozzle of my gun.
I walked towards that dead guy picked up my coveted prize. “There is a new sheriff in town” i said that aloud with a smirk on my face. I adjusted my cowboy hat and climbed the horse and i rode like never before. “YEEEHAWWWWW!!!”

“SANJEEV CHOWDHARY” “SANJEEV CHOWDHARY”
“Apko suntan nahin hain…aapki mummy aapko bula rahin hain andar. Patient ka test hogaya. Ab jao”

I was yet again pulled out of my dreams but this time by a South Indian nurse. Damn you!! Woman i was enjoying my heroic win, the victory of good over evil. I was annoyed to the core.

Again i could feel my surroundings transforming, this time it was a WWE ring. And my opponent was standing in front of me. A 500 pound aunty. GAME ON!!!








PS: Things written in the above post are not meant to be taken seriously by any community as it is written in a very light note. But still I apologise to people who might be planning to roast me up and have in supper. 
Seriously for your benefit am saying this....I might leave a bad taste in mouth (literally and figuratively). 

Monday, August 29, 2011

“I ’am talking to the man in the mirror”



I am not a man of principle but still i believe in calling a spade a spade; i do like to take the easy way out, but i try not to make it a habit. I do like to point out if something/someone is wrong or unjust, but i do work on making myself just too. I believe in practicing first, so that i can preach further. 

Off lately, we all witnessed the second most biggest mass-movement that ever happened in India, regarding the citizens ‘ombudsman bill; Anna Hazare, being the crusader for this movement. He single handedly reformed a whole village, Ralegan Siddhi, and raised it from penury and made it one of the richest villages of India. And now when the corruption is gnawing this whole society, when the whole system has become a cesspool, system where bureaucrats brazenly misuse their power and authority. This 74 year old man, sat on fast for 12 long days, so that this country can be emancipated from this epidemic. But are we sure that by having a strong legislation, by even setting up an independent institution, we would be able to eradicate corruption from each and every section of this society. Anna Hazare himself said that it would be able to demolish at least 60%-65% of corruption from India. I am no erudite in the matter of legislations and bills; I am a novice to this issue like many citizens of this country. And like most of the citizens I have my doubts too, whether we can achieve success in achieving that 60% mark or not? 


“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean” Confucious.


Corruption is not about paying bribe to an official, for me corruption is dishonesty; it can be on part of both the parties, the official as well as “us” as the citizens. Skipping the red light is corruption for me, nepotism is corruption for me, using your influence or “juggad” to get yourself an undue advantage over others is corruption for me. In short not being honest in your own functioning of day to day life is akin to corruption for me. 

We are blaming that system to be corrupt of which we ourselves are part of. We have created that system; we are the cogs of it. We have to sublimate ourselves only then can the system be cured. When a traffic policeman stops us for not wearing our helmet, our hand spontaneously slips into our back pocket and we take out a 100 rupee note from our wallet and hand it over to the cop. Won’t we call this as corruption? Shouldn’t this fatuous act of ours be categorized as dishonesty? Why aren’t we ready to face the penalty for our iniquity? Why at the first place should we even break the law? 

No I didn’t participate in those anti-corruption rallies, I didn’t go to Ramlila Maidan, nor did I have impressive Facebook statuses embellishing this movement. I know some of you would like to recriminate by saying that they were supporting “the right to stage a peaceful protest”; the word “Democracy” you might want to quote. Yes democracy gives you the right to stage a peaceful agitation. But that same democracy gives me the right to live in an environment that is peaceful and free from any form of nuisance. It gives me the right to live serenely in my house without being disturbed at midnight by some protesters shouting slogans of freedom at top of their voices, and i am sure they must not be aware about the crux of the whole movement. Democracy doesn’t give you the right to climb on top of your moving car and shout “Anna Hazare Zindabad”, nor does it allow you no matter how noble your cause maybe to block traffic at various places and disturb the daily life of your fellow citizens. If according to you this is Democracy, then I am sorry we are not living in a sovereign, secular and democratic country, but in a banana republic. 

I am not being devil’s advocate here, nor does it mean that I am not at all serious about having a society that is free from corruption. I am exasperated from this menace like all of you. I just feel when I don’t find myself free from this egregious disease; I don’t have the right to throw mud on somebody else. I’ll rather work first on myself; make sure that I am honest in my functioning so that tomorrow I don’t have those three fingers pointing back at me. If each one of us today vow that we would be honest in our own functioning of our respective activities, we won’t break any law, we won’t use surreptitious measures to gain undue advantages over others; then and only then there is a significance of this “Jan Lokpal”, then we might be in true sense honouring the efforts of Anna Hazare, otherwise we have numerous number of legislations in our country, and this can be another add on to them. 

As I said earlier, I am not a man of principle; but I am striving to be one. 





“I am talking to the man in the mirror, I am asking him to change his ways”Michael Jackson. 





Friday, August 19, 2011

The Inner Feeling...


Heart is so fragile that even a glass seems strong in front of it...
However, when both break they hurt alot. While the latter takes my blood out the former takes my emotions out, and throws me in depth of despair. Throws me into an endless chasm where my soul searches vainly for peace and solitude.
This feeling itself makes me agnostic.
No longer am I an altruist, no longer am I noble, no longer do I love the beauty around me.
I am a Pariah now, ready to lead a solitary life. A life that no longer has room for others, a life where being dead and alive seems same.

But wasn’t I like this before? Wasn’t I a Pariah before too?
As i look back, I see my past enjoying a satanic laugh over me. As if saying that I was like this always...
My happiness was only pretence. That smile was fake, which I used to camouflage the real feeling inside me. That smile was like an aegis to me that helped me to conceal my emotions. As I think of it more and more...it triggers an atrocious feeling inside me, and throws me back to that endless chasm.....

Chasm that makes my heart so fragile before which even a glass now seems strong......
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